Your Badass Boundary Guide

Many of us are socialised to be people pleasers which makes it really challenging to set effective boundaries and to say no when something doesn’t feel right for us. 

I used to find myself having sex with a partner out of expectation, obligation or their persistence rather then because I really wanted to. This left me feeling frustrated, dissatisfied and pretty resentful of my partner's desire.

If you find you’re feeling resentful in your relationships (like I was), like you’re doing too much, or you keep getting intimate with a partner when actually you’re not really feeling like it… You might need to set some boundaries!

“But, I don’t know if I have any boundaries…”

I hear this a lot! Along with the phrase “I just don’t have boundaries”. These phrases send little alarms ringing in my mind - and they should with you too! 

I can tell you that we all have boundaries somewhere, it’s just that we often don’t know how to listen for them. I can assure you, when you start to tune in and communicate and act in line with your boundaries your energy levels and pleasure levels will increase tenfold.

So how do you find your boundaries?! Here’s a powerful recipe to start you off.

1. Think about something you know you don’t like 

2. Close your eyes and really visualise this happening to you

3. Breathe into this visualisation and notice:

   1. How does it feel in your body?

   2. What emotions do you feel?

   3. What thoughts arise?

4. Take note of your response!

Some examples you could practice with are someone touching you inappropriately, someone asking you to do something you really don’t want to do, or a partner emotionally offloading onto you when you’re not in the space to receive it.

Commonly you might feel tension in a particular part of the body, i.e. head, shoulder, neck, stomach etc. These sensations are likely to be similar for every boundary you have. So even if you’re not sure exactly where your boundaries are, it's likely your body will let you know. So listen out for those boundary sensations!

So what do you do with this information?

Well when you next start to feel these sensations find a space where you can take a deep breath and explore what’s going on. Ask yourself:

What’s triggered these sensations? Do I need to set a boundary around this?

The three things to remember and put into practice in your communication are:

1. Remember you are an awesome human and deserve to have boundaries!

2. Practice the art of nonviolent communication. There are ways that we can share boundaries that keep us in deep, delicious connection with our partners. 

3. Listen empathetically to the response, continuing to put into practice step 1.

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do in a relationship. It helps our partners know how to be intimate with us. It’s also the way that we limit resentment in relationships and increase our pleasure and energy so we can be even better partners!

Want to learn the art of boundary setting?

I recommend checking out Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg for some game changing communication tips. 

OR even better! If you want your own personal deep dive you can book 30mins to chat all about boundaries directly into my diary.

I can’t wait for you to experience how the art of boundary setting can help you experience deeper pleasure in your relationship.

Full disclosure: the book link is an affiliate link so if you buy through this link I get 10% (woo!). I love Bookshop.org as they link buyers to local bookshops AND offset their carbon emissions for every delivery which makes my heart sing. 

If you enjoyed this you might also enjoy - Boundary Myths - Let’s Bust Them!